Being Link Malkovich


Super Smash Brothers Brawl fan fiction, Link's point of view.
Contains SPOILERS of all kinds, especially SSBB ones.

WARNING: This contains harsh language, nudity, alcohol, and whatever else my impulses decide to add. No explicit sexuality though, so perverts can just walk away now.

Part 1

I am the Man of No Smiles


Here we go again, testing our might against each other while waiting for our next mission in our respectful dimensions.

In the Hyrulian quests our fathers set, sometimes they use the other guys, sometimes they use me. I've had several missions in which my characters turned out to be unrelated to each other, but somehow it's still me fighting for my own life and everyone else's. With my journey to the Dark World, my talents with the ocarina and my good looks even as a flea-infested canine, I'm a fan favorite so everytime they plan a smash, it's me they call. Not the short guy, not the brown-haired guy.

Me.

The average height blond young man almost old enough to be legal.

This time, even my tunic was upgraded. Or rather, they threw me in so quickly I didn't have time to change back into the old one. For crying out loud, at least my old one was fresh clean! ''It doesn't matter'', they said, ''the public won't be smelling you''. Well, I won't complain, I like the smell of hay that sticks to me. Unfortunately Zelda doesn't think so. ''Don't get me wrong, I love horses! But you do need a bath'' she says.

Too bad our appartments are still under repair after Wolf's showdown with the landmaster before anyone got the chance to move in and we have no water for showers or laundry.

She, my princess, was hesitant at first when they offered her to come back; leaving her people yet again was an idea that displeased her. Then, -as I remember the scene my right eye twitches,- a box fell from the ceiling, landing right in front of her, and from that box came out Snake.

If I wasn't carrying a fairy at that moment, the stupid box would've had knocked me unconscious when it was thrown on my head.

''Here beauty, it's called a cellphone. Your bill's on the Master Hand. Bid your people hello.''

Done with the mission the Master Hand gave him, Snake summoned his flying donut and to the skies he went through the ceiling, probably to spy on Wario to make sure he didn't fart in our ventilation system for the sake of it. May he break the ugly man's neck if he tries again. Then slip on a babana skin for what he's done to me.

How troublesome: the princess was glad she could stay without forgetting about her people. Ganondorf laughed so hard when he heard the news. ''I'll find a way to get my hands on the Triforce, just you two wait!''

Liar, liar, lousy stinker. His powers are so downgraded here Yoshi can poop him into defeat. So many times he's tried to kill a fellow brother or sister, me included, yet he never succeeded: we can't even bleed here.

Except when innocent Peach or suitless Samus are involved. Then, the nose of most of our men are stronger than the laws writen by the Master Hand.

I have my suspicions on why the Gerudo king looked so ''happy'' when Zelda got to stay, but right now I am more worried about the diminutive version of me.

The young, careless, evil version of me.

Mini me.

To cut short the confusion of seeing my younger self run around, to cut short my sudden interest in reading Freud since stupid young me thought Zelda could be his mother, they've called in a young version of myself alright, but from an entirely different dimension. The link between us, -oh, my puns are cunning-, is almost unexistant, unlike last time. Except for our looks. And weapons. And moves. And enemies.

And love interests.

He tried to look so tall and proud when he came in as the Hero of Winds, he had to represente his Hyrule as best as he could after all. When anyone talked to him, he kept his intensively serious stare, gave a nod as a response and walked on like the Ganonator he is. I was so proud that day for we, heroes of Hyrule, are strong, silent men of mystery: ladies love that. Then came in Zelda. Toony stopped dead in his tracks, stared at her, took a picture out of his discrete and perhaps invisible pocket, stared at the foto, the princess, the foto again, then smiled widely and ran to her.

I'm guessing his Zelda is still young and he's liking what he sees in my grown version of his princess. She thought he was a cute boy, patting him on the head and chuckling at my aghasted look. Little does she know what the brat was thinking right then.

I do, since the brat is still a small version of myself, no matter what the dimension.

The day Toony learned from Peach, as always, that I had a crooked smile when I accidently fell over during a battle and saw Zelda's underwear in our first Melee festival, I saw someone I hate. Someone I'm tired of seeing, more than my perwinkle clone:

I saw Dark Link.

Inside Toony's eyes.

This Dark version of myself will bring me into Hell and back.

When I had to show the Waker of Winds his room, my tongue flipped and I called him Toony out loud.

I still have the arrow mark on my left butt cheek to prove how big a brat he is.

I don't know how come I've exploded, received hammers on my head, went through the intestines of Kirby, got Sheik's tiny daggers right on my face without permanent damage and I still have this scar on my ass.

Tried showing it to Zelda the other day, out of perplexion of course since we're not supposed to be damaged by anything.

I don't know why, but that day, she went Ilia on me and confiscated my most prized possesions in this dimension:

my shots of Zero Suit Samus.

She can't deny they're beautiful pictures, what's with her?

Tried stopping her, but for some reason Ganondorf helped her by shoving my face down the toilet bowl. Lucky Master Hand decided we won't feel the need to pee or shit until the water comes back.

It was still a painful encounter.

***

Our rooms are separated in weird ways. For example, the Pokemon Trainer has to stand six roomies, all Pokemons, Mario has to stand three, Bowser included, Fox is stuck with Falco and Wolf, yet some of us have our own room. Granted, it was inevitable.

Samus isn't aware of how much so many of us ''like'' her. Captain Falcon has this tendency to listen to loud music all-day-long. Snake has to keep everything about himself secret, including the place where he keeps his annoying boxes. Olimar needs his space to grow his Pikmin. Pit is just weird and under constant sugar rushes.

But couldn't they have put me with Yoshi or something?

Ganondorf wants to watch tragic war movies for a good laugh, Toony wants the crazy screaming cartoons with tons of ridicule material, I want the science-fiction stories of intergalactic heroes. At night, we all agree we want to watch the network for adult gentlemen, which Ganondorf so blatantly calls ''Porn TV'', but with Zelda around we can't do that.

Ever.

She has no regrets in breaking televisions.

And by day, she forces us to let Toony watch his cartoons. ''Go on like that and I'll turn -you- back into a dog and -you- back into a pig!'' ''I'm a holy wolf!'', I dared reply. ''I'm a demonic boar!'', roared the quiche of evil. ''I don't care, you're both barely worth a visit at the zoo!''

It's times like these I wish Ganondorf would be all-powerful again so she could get kidnapped and I could go fishing for a few days before going to her rescue.

Toon's watching Flapjack, again. Boy, am I glad we don't have televisions in Hyrule. Don't want to know what would happen if the Gerudo king took ahold of doctor House's style. I don't want him pointing out how me stabbing him viciously with the Master Sword actually represents the anger I have for not being able to use my own on Zelda.

How ridiculously false and outrageous!

I am not a deprived man! I am a stable-minded hero who never ever thinks about staring down at the princess' boobies while she's stunned by a Deku nut while on the Lylat Cruise to check if it's true they're fake like Captain Falcon stated according to his ''experienced'' eye.

His eye is wrong, because they're not fake. You can't fake such a splendid pair like hers.

Did I mention I didn't look?

Ganondorf's been worse since he saw that documentary on Hitler. Gave him new ideas on how to take over Hyrule. Our fathers won't let him, but oh will he ever try. My princess now has to document herself on all wars just in case the mad man gets his own way next time he gets a chance to invade Hyrule.

She's going to the kitchen, still trying to figure out how to cook a roast. She would've mastered it a long time ago if it wasn't for Peach giving us food everyday, until recently. Princess Toadstool decided she would be perfecting her golf techniques today alongside Bowser. With the distant explosions I'm hearing, I'm guessing he tried to kidnap her again. That, or Ness is playing frisbee with Smart Bombs.

My princess has more patience telling a drunk, violent peasant he should stop drinking than handling a kitchen knife. She overuses her Din's fire on the poor roast and goes get dressed to go out. When Peach can't cook, Kirby is the next best thing. You just need to learn not to look tasty in front of him. A hard job, but I trust her. She can handle herself.

She finally left. I do love that woman, but time to reclaim my rights to watch Flash Gordon while she's gone.

I have a whole bagful of spare deku nuts I can use on the two knuckleheads here.

***

It has been three whole days clinging to hope while stuck inside a barrel in the water chamber.

That evil wind-making brat joined forces with his, no wait my enemy, and turned my deku nuts against me when I tried to reclaim my rightful place on the couch. To make sure I won't be bothering them any longer, I was shoved down an empty water barrel in our water supply room. I could stay here no problem until our makers decide Hyrule needs me again. I'm just hoping they won't choose mini-me instead, or the brown-haired guy for that matter, since I can only take boredom for so long.

We can't die, it's the Master Hand's law. At worse we get turned into trophies, and I almost killed old friend Mario when I thought he had disintegrated my beloved Zelda. Silly me. Well, three time's the charm. I wonder what rabid, maniacal things I'll be doing next. We can't die anyway, no matter if it's by hunger, thirst, poison or catchphrase overdose. The vilains here already tried everything, including the force choke.

Incidentely, it's Mr. Game and Watch who mastered the force choke the best. Kept trying it on Sonic. I never knew that flat doodle of a man had it in him! And Sonic is stronger than he looks after all.

I hear footsteps. How weird, rarely does anyone come here: we all prefer filling on tasty LonLon milk, Chateau Romani and beer. Well, Zelda prefers cocktails and juice. The way the steps sound, delicate and patient, makes me think it's my girl.

''Toonly wants soup the way his grandma used to make. I'm guessing soup needs water...''

The sweet, gentle voice makes me confident it's my girl. Also, only she can call Toony Toonly. Last time I tried that, my ass got a second arrow-tip shaped eye. I tap on the barrel to gain her attention and when she opens it, I pop out with my arms in the air.

Surprise!

''Link!? This is where you were the last three days?''

She sounds almost annoyed.

''I'm happy to see you too'' I say, crossing my arms and keeping my emotionless face.

''What were you doing here?''

''I was minding my own business, meditating about the space time contineum, until you came along and interrupted my first moment of lucidity in ages.''

''Hey, if you want to stay here, be my guest.''

She starts to close the barrel again. That woman has no sense of humor sometimes. Doesn't help that mine can be seldomly dry, like right now.

''No, ok, I just had an inconvenient. I'll be going now, I have a reckoning to complete.''

''By the way, the water's back at Mario's appartment so you should go and get clean.''

''I can do that later.''

I give her my most seductive eyes.

''Or you can either help Toonly read his recipe while I try to cook or help Ganondorf catch that mouse that's been eating our pastries.''

''I-I can't wait to take a bath!''

***

Better be careful this time. Better not let Mario think I'm coming for Peach. Again. The small Italian plumber can give you pretty scary eyes when you get on his bad side. He hasn't tried to kill me yet, unless you count that time when Ganondorf did the Subspace-thingie, again, got owned by Taboo, again, and I had to defeat the evil clone of Peach. Again? No, this time was different, original. The first time, an evil Zelda clone was running loose; she almost killed me and I almost killed Mario for saving my handsome self. Good times, good times.

Well, kill... At that moment who gave a dodongo's ass about the writen laws of the Smash universe?

Peach is not flirting with me, but she's so nice and... unwillingly? nay, innocently sexy and loving, especially with her kicks that makes me think she might have spent her childhood in a dance club, that I can't help but to think hey, if things don't turn out with my girl, I won't mind dating Toadstool.

Me and all the other guys who think high heels and bare legs on the battlefield is a sexy theme.

As long as they are worn by a young woman.

No, it's a lie, forget Toadstool. I don't have weird sexual fantasies, I'm a genuine, selfless hero who only fights for crown, country and faith, not to get the attention of loving damsels in need of help in the hopes of getting some nightime adventures worthy of being told by dirty old men just before the wedding of a young man to give him the courage to follow his hero's example and please his woman the way no hot chocolate fudge sundae ever did. With a cherry on top. Who gave you that stupid and farfetched idea?

Just in case Mario decides my cold stare could be interpreted as a nosebleed-expression at the sight of the princess he's work so hard to save, I check if I have a fairy with me, -yup, still there-, and walk on.

Packed under my arm is a brand new set of hero's clothes I've bought just before our fathers grabbed me and threw me in this goddesses-forsaken universe. I was planning to go home, get clean and dressed in order to impress my lady, and Ilia and Malon and Hena why not. Marin I just couldn't reach, I guess she was a dream after all.

A mighty hot dream with a dreamy voice.

But now I finally have the chance to wear it for real, right after I start smelling good again. Good to a female's nose of course. A female that's not Ilia or Malon.

At Mario's, I only find Luigi. According to his strong ''mamma mia'' of a voice, the other three went outside for a walk. First it was Peach, then Bowser, then Mario. Go figure. Luigi stayed to make sure no one touched his vaccum, since it seems everyone's after his ghost-collecting vaccum.

I head for the showers, hoping they will have something else in there than the ''Zora Fresh'' shampoo.

Not so bad, they have ''Peach Delights'', ''Notte d'Italia'' and ''Scale Clean''. I choose the second.

My package is carefully installed next to the sink and my dirty clothes, including my faithful hat, are thrown on the floor. The shower has blurry glass doors that prevents anyone who accidentely enters to see the poor fellow inside. I keep a towel on top of the shower door. Doesn't take long that I forget about my anxieties and start humming a nice ocarina song. The liars promised me I would've gotten it back as soon as my quests in the Twilight ended. How irritating.

My Song of Time stops. I hear something, someone in the room. The smell of something burning fills my nostrils and I open the door in a panic:

My clothes! Both clean and dirty are in ashes! Including my hat! Where's that fairy I had? It should've seen something, anything! Only some kind of evil magic could've burned my clothes so quickly! At least my towel was close to me. The door is still closed and locked, whoever did this knew what he was doing and knows how to work with doors. I wash the remaining soap away from my body and dry myself while thinking.

Ok, take your time, getting a cold is the last thing to do. Maybe Luigi can help. Towel around my waist, I open the door slightly and call his name.

Nothing.

I call again, still nothing. This isn't a big house, it's an appartement. The only reason I couldn't scream my way out of the barrel in the water supply room is because, well, I was inside a tighly sealed barrel. Just being locked inside the said room wouldn't have sufficed, so I'm guessing the reason no one is answering is because no one's around. Maybe I could find some clothes around to cover myself while waiting for Luigi to show from wherever he went. The two brothers are small, but they aren't exactly the thinest around either, they must have something I could wear.

Right?

I walk torwards a room when suddenly my sight goes black. I stumble and wave my right hand on whatever's blocking my view while my left one holds on to the towel. When I finally get ahold of the evil thing, -another towel!?-, I see pink everywhere. And flowers, and mushroom lamps and even a pink soccer ball. Wrong room, I guess, until I see something that looks like a decent pair of shorts or pants coming out of a drawer. I open it in such a rush I realise too late that they aren't exactly male shorts, nor are they decent for an Hyrulian Hylian, and that everything else in the drawer is small and provocative to my young man's mind.

I should be worried on who or what threw me that towel on my face to push me here, but I can't keep my eyes out of those... underwear. I should look away and hide in the bathroom again, instead I take one out and admire it, knowing I would regret not seeing by myself how small they can really get.

I take another one, red as my cheeks probably are, and I panic as I hear the appartment door open and the voices of the three hikers.

There are no doors on my left, except for the closet. No exits on my right, except for a window and we're on the seventh floor. Down are my bare feet, up is... a ventilation system! I jump on the pink fluffy bed and grab the grid, throw it on the floor and hiss myself up in such a hurry, my butt suddenly catches a cold.

A small cry escapes my lips as I notice I've lost my towel in the process, but no time to stop and think: I must regain my quarters.

It's weird how someone can fit in here no problem. I bet it has something to do with needing someone to spy on us. How revolting! Really!

It's such a shame Samus' room isn't on this floor.

I know the plans of this place, I know how to regain my room from here. According to the fading sounds, Peach didn't enter her room yet, or else she would be screaming. After all, I did leave her most imaginative pieces on the ground by accident.

This isn't a joy ride, far from it, but with my calculations I should be reaching my room within ten minutes if I take my time.

Praying that there are no security cameras up yet, and hoping Snake isn't an omnipresent fellow.

Crawling inside the ceiling, I can't help but to feel uncomfortable, cold, dirty, ashamed and vulnerable. At least everything is going well.

Holy dipshit of the bokoblin category...

Correction;

Everything was going well, until an unbearable smell filled the air.

Wario farted in our system again.

Mother fucker!

Quick, I accelerate until I reach a corridor I know few people pass through. I make the mistake to barely look down before I jump. Ok, nobody's around anyway.

Stupid Wario; I don't smell like horse anymore, I smell like shit instead!

On a quick walk, I'm praying to all gods, especially the goddess of time since now would be great timing for a miracle, and I stumble upon a medium-sized barrel!

Hurray, goddess of time!

I use it to hide my forbidden material and make a run for it. Ladies are supposed to love that part of a man yet they get angry when you want to show them. I loathe Ganondorf for telling young me back in Melee that the forbidden material is what Zelda really really wants.

Hang on, almost there! The way this is made, I would've ended up in my room more rapidly with the ventilation system. Now, I must follow the corridors for about two more turns and beg the goddesses that no one will see me entering our appartments.

Hoping, praying, begging, my pace accelerates and on the last turn, Snake bumps into me.

Naked.

No, not totally; he's wearing an eyepatch. Hold on...

''What the fuck?''

''I could ask you the same, kid. Me? It's a long, awful story. I think you're in it. Also my clone, or was it me? Huh, déjà-vu. By the way, I'm confiscating that.''

The naked Snake steals my barrel with a single move and runs. How... rude. I have no more choice: I try to keep a stealthy pace, siddling along the walls and preparing to run to our door, and I finally reach my quarters unseen.

I rush inside and regret my impulse. Before me, in the middle of the living room, stand an angry Mario, a shocked Peach, a very shocked Luigi a laughing Bowser, a loudly laughing Ganondorf, an incredibly simultaneously shocked/angry/amused Toony and a very, very upset Zelda.

She facepalms at my sight and goes to fetch a nightrobe.

I'm upset too. This is humiliating. I cross my arms and growl, forgetting to hide my untouchables, while she puts the robe on me.

''Hmph, you need another bath. I'm sorry Link, but I'm not impressed.''

I really don't know what this means, but if I'm guessing right, she just kicked my ego in the balls.


***